9 Low-Stakes Things I Would Have a Hard Time Explaining to Aliens
Somewhere out there, an alien is probably trying to understand why humans have a thing against the word “moist.”
I predict that aliens are totally gonna come soon (wait – didn’t they already? In 2020? And we all just glazed over it?) Anyway, it’s very on brand for the times for them to make a full debut and I frequently dissociate and think about what they’d find funny/cute/confusing about us. There’s SO MANY MORE but these are the first that come to my head.
People Who Make the Worried Eyebrow Singing Face at Bars When They Are Just Lip-Synching
You’re in a small bar with TouchTunes. Suddenly, Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ starts playing. Or September by Earth Wind and Fire. Or Mr. Brightside by the Killers. People really only can sing the chorus part, but that doesn't stop them from pretending to sing the rest. No sound comes out but they are making that face as if they are belting. Why. I can’t justify this. It’s actually really endearing when I think about it but I don’t quite understand how this started.
Why People Hate the Word “Moist”
There’s nothing I love more than having a hill to die on, and that includes the defense of the word “moist.” If you hear this word and don’t immediately think of Betty Crocker Moist Deluxe Cake or morning dew on grass on a soft summer’s morning, I don’t know what to tell you. I think someone said it somewhere circa 2011 and it somehow became a personality trait, like right around the time “pizza or tacos?” became a funny anecdote that’s on 90% of male dating profiles still to this day. Also, how could you hate the word moist when the words “chunks” and “ointment” and “tender” exist? I know the aliens would agree with me.
Kissing and Clapping in General
Literally hilarious and adorable and I think aliens would find it SO CUTE. Like how we humans react when otters hold hands while they sleep and float down a river, or when unexpected species become friends, like that elephant and dog. We really love something so much that we just have to make noise with our hands. Louder and longer if you really liked it. Or when we really hit it off with someone but only in this specific way we just wanna press our lips together and move them all around. Like, I want your tongue in my mouth and my tongue in yours. Now we’re connected :’) Adorable.
Corporate Optimism Hype Up Songs
Think: Anything that would play during a “sales kick off” conference. (My girlfriend’s in tech so I know what that is now.) And I want to be clear, this is not the fault of the artist and this doesn't mean the songs are bad… it’s just like… I can’t believe this whole thing is a thing.
Roar by Katy Perry. Happy by Pharrell. Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars. I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas. Etc etc etc. I honestly get it and I love getting excited about literally anything so I’d probably buy into this if I was ever successful enough to be there but that doesn’t mean I can explain it.
Actually — All of Corporate Culture
I know damn well I’m going to have to explain that “Low hanging fruit” is not, in fact, people wearing clothes they call “slacks” and “blouses” discussing saggy ballsacks (no shame with saggy balls but you know they’d be confused). The jargon, the clothes, the whole thing. Anyway, we’ll circle back about all of this or whatever.
Why Newscasters Sound Like That
It’s a TALENT. I went to school for radio for a second and had to try and get rid of my RI/NY accent and I would lose it with one sighting of the word “dawg” or “cawfee.” Teleprompters? Impossible. Not hysterically laughing even if it’s not funny and really fucking serious but you know laughing would be the worst thing in the world so your body just kinda…does it? I can’t imagine. Newspeople — Thank you. I could easily google why you have to sound like that but I'm not gonna, just know I think about your talent and the fact that you have to sound like that a lot.
Why the British Court Wears Those Wigs
I’m sorry if this is wildly offensive and I know there’s lore but COME ON. Imagine getting a life sentence and by someone who was literally wearing this seriously? Salt in the wound.
ChatGPT — Talk
Embrace the allure!! Indulge in the Rich Tapestry!! Ignite your inner whatever the fuck!! Unleash the enduring power of ChatGPT — the Swiss Army knife of AI tools! Read/hear/listen to any ad or piece of copywriting and experience this tool working in real time — elevating brands by putting words that almost seem to make sense when strung together, but actually say nothing when you really think about it. This helpful tool uses so many words at once, but somehow not one sentence actually clarifies or says anything of substance. Dance in the decadence of this wealth of knowledge, and learn every buzzword in the business, aliens!
Tentacle Porn
I actually would have a hard time explaining this one to humans. I think I’d just apologize on behalf of humanity. Again, no shame to those who dig it, I just think it might be, like…offensive, especially if they don’t actually have tentacles. Or would it be more offensive if they do? Also, I would ask them if they have freaky kinky human sex and tuck their tentacles or something. But that’s only if we get to that point and the vibe is right.
Anyway that’s it for now — humans can be really cute and I hope when the aliens come they will maybe be my friend and come over for dinner.
Ani!!!
Ani, I love the way your brain works! I also agree on several counts about trying to explain what us earthlings do and why we do it. Some stuff is just inexplicable.