Are You the Asshole: “Am I Bad If I Don’t Break Up With My Girlfriend?”

Joél Leon has some thoughts. (And you can all chime in.)

A reader asks: If I am honest with the person I’m sleeping with, do I have to try to make sure they don’t get hurt by me? I am a woman, and I told another woman I am seeing that I don’t want a committed relationship. She agreed at first and said she didn’t want one either, but it has become very clear that she does want to be serious and would like to see me far more often than I want to see her. ... But she also doesn’t want this to end, so it seems like she will take whatever she can get from me for as long as I keep seeing her. And I do want to continue sleeping with her when I can. Do I have to be the one to end this just so I don’t hurt her? Am I a bad person if I don't?

Joél says: Good. Bad. Right. Wrong. Very subjective words used to guilt, shame, or find fault in others and ourselves. These terms leave very little room for nuance in our relationships, whether platonic or romantic. (And I firmly believe all relationships have some level of romance or provide the opportunity for romance.) The most important word in all this is “honesty.” Our lack of transparency can cause harm and create unsafe environments. It also doesn’t allow the people we love or care for to have autonomy over the decisions we make. 

I say this as someone who has been there. After sucking at monogamy, I realized polyamory was right for me, but that doesn’t mean I was immediately good at it. At first I wasn’t entirely forthcoming about who I was dating in my poly dynamic, which ended up damaging a partnership I hold dear. But by not sharing, we limit our lover’s capacity to make decisions that center on their wellness, rather than our perception of what we think they want or need.

Feelings change. So do needs, wants, and desires. And when we spend significant amounts of time with people, especially sexually, it can open other feelings and emotions we didn’t think we would have to consider. And that is fine. What isn’t fine is misleading people into thinking there is something there when there isn’t. One could argue it’s hurting them more to withhold your feelings about not wanting a deeper relationship because it doesn’t allow them the freedom to find someone else who will meet their needs both sexually and emotionally. Buddhism talks about the five pillars of wise speech:

1. Is it intentional? (Is it well thought out and does it reflect what is most important to you?)

2. Is it kind?

3. Is it wise?

4. Is it timely?

5. Is it appropriate?

Looking at our speech and actions through these pillars means we don’t discuss behavior as good or bad, right or wrong, but instead focus on the energy behind the behaviors. Not ending things with this woman does not make you a bad person, but continuing down this path with her would be disingenuous if you don’t feel the same.

Has she confirmed that she wants something more? Often, we become very cerebral when it comes to assuming and guessing our partner’s/lover’s/romantic interest’s wants or needs, rather than addressing them head-on, by you know … asking. We’d be shocked at what people are thinking and feeling if we let them decide, as opposed to us deciding for them. Which is also why check-ins are so important. Our priorities shift, and the goals we once established change. So we gotta tap in with the people we fuck with. “Yeah, remember that thing we both agreed upon X number of days, months ago, do we still feel the same way about it?” We get to investigate and course correct if need be. This forces honesty almost by default, putting us in a position to be upfront about where we stand.

You’re not a bad person if you don’t end things. But there is a kinder, more intentional solution right in front of you. Just talk to her.

Hit me up in the comments and give us your questions for this column. Ask about sex, love, friendship, family relationships — anything goes.

Joél Leon, aka Joél L. Daniels, is a Bronx-born girl dad, author, poet, performer and cultural critic who writes and tells stories for Black people. He is a Creative Director at The New York Times' T Brand Studios and is the author of “Things I will Tell My Daughter,” “God Wears Durags, Too” and “Everything and Nothing At Once: A Black Man’s Reimagined Soundtrack For the Future.”