I want to help with the range of issues you're dealing with here. I also asked if other people in the Substack community could share any wisdom they have also. I will say that the idea of smiling to make yourself feel happier has not worked for me, but that's probably because I (and it sounds like maybe you) have a hard time producing a genuine smile when I am not feeling it. I went through a really tough time years back where for months I thought that everyone around me, including strangers, was really deeply depressed and then I realized that it was because they were mirroring the expression on my face - when I thought I was smiling and appearing fine. It helps me more to be open and honest about -and to let my expressions be in sync with - what I'm feeling. And I'm glad you started by sharing it here. Thank you and I'm sending you love.
Holidays can be so rough, especially when we believe we need to behave and feel a particular way, or that we’re not doing it “right.” Instead of pretending happiness and calm when you’re feeling distressed, depressed, and anxious, I suggest that neutrality would be the next best step. What would make you feel not-so-awful? Do that. Just little things, one at a time. There’s no need to be filled with the spirit of revelry just because it’s the holidays. And neutrality is not the same as numbing. Once you feel comfortable in the place of neutrality, when the time is right for you, you can examine your numbing behavior and the reasons behind it (with an excellent therapist) and/or take the next steps towards happiness.
This is incredible advice that I am taking and using for myself as well. The idea of allowing myself neutrality feels freeing already. Thank you so so much for sharing your wisdom.
I have so many thoughts on this! I have the diagnosis formerly referred to as Asperger’s syndrome (ASD I) and smiling is a nightmare for me. There’s a really sweet but in a way also sad story in one of Tony Attwood’s books about a boy with ASD I who sees his sister fall off a swing and quickly turns to his mom and asks “Mommy, what face do I make?” Sad because so many people, even renowned researchers, accuse these kids of having no empathy. The truth is just that we don’t intuit how to communicate with our bodies and this includes smiling.
Re: drinking to cope, that’s what my dad did and and as the daughter of someone who went that route I would say please don’t, it has ripple effects on others, and doesn’t get to the root of your discomfort, whatever that is in your case, it just compounds the misery.
My advice would be to figure out with a good therapist or great Buddhist mediation teacher how to just let yourself be. There’s a lot of pressure to be a certain way, I know, but that’s all it is. I don’t have much constructive advice because my coping is avoidance and that’s its own poison.
Finally, I just want to share that we’re staying in this lovely family hotel right now but there are injunctions all over the place here, on posters, even inscribed into the wooden bread bowl (“FUN-tastisch!”) to always be celebrating and having constant fun. It’s pissing me off so when I saw your post I thought I’d share that you aren’t the only one who sees it for what it is: unfair social pressure to not be what/who you are at any given time.
I forgot one other part. Because of my lifelong smiling issues I have tried that smiling exercise and I didn’t notice any improvement in mood, just disappointment in my continued failure to feel good. Even the therapies make you feel bad because a lot of them just reinforce the idea that you are not okay. My take? You are okay. What’s not okay is that you are made to feel not okay . If you can take that in it saves lots of money.
What about spending the holidays volunteering? That way, you can know you've done a good thing even if you didn't enjoy yourself while it was happening, and there will be less pressure to act like you're having a great time.
I want to help with the range of issues you're dealing with here. I also asked if other people in the Substack community could share any wisdom they have also. I will say that the idea of smiling to make yourself feel happier has not worked for me, but that's probably because I (and it sounds like maybe you) have a hard time producing a genuine smile when I am not feeling it. I went through a really tough time years back where for months I thought that everyone around me, including strangers, was really deeply depressed and then I realized that it was because they were mirroring the expression on my face - when I thought I was smiling and appearing fine. It helps me more to be open and honest about -and to let my expressions be in sync with - what I'm feeling. And I'm glad you started by sharing it here. Thank you and I'm sending you love.
Holidays can be so rough, especially when we believe we need to behave and feel a particular way, or that we’re not doing it “right.” Instead of pretending happiness and calm when you’re feeling distressed, depressed, and anxious, I suggest that neutrality would be the next best step. What would make you feel not-so-awful? Do that. Just little things, one at a time. There’s no need to be filled with the spirit of revelry just because it’s the holidays. And neutrality is not the same as numbing. Once you feel comfortable in the place of neutrality, when the time is right for you, you can examine your numbing behavior and the reasons behind it (with an excellent therapist) and/or take the next steps towards happiness.
This is incredible advice that I am taking and using for myself as well. The idea of allowing myself neutrality feels freeing already. Thank you so so much for sharing your wisdom.
Happy I could help!
I have so many thoughts on this! I have the diagnosis formerly referred to as Asperger’s syndrome (ASD I) and smiling is a nightmare for me. There’s a really sweet but in a way also sad story in one of Tony Attwood’s books about a boy with ASD I who sees his sister fall off a swing and quickly turns to his mom and asks “Mommy, what face do I make?” Sad because so many people, even renowned researchers, accuse these kids of having no empathy. The truth is just that we don’t intuit how to communicate with our bodies and this includes smiling.
Re: drinking to cope, that’s what my dad did and and as the daughter of someone who went that route I would say please don’t, it has ripple effects on others, and doesn’t get to the root of your discomfort, whatever that is in your case, it just compounds the misery.
My advice would be to figure out with a good therapist or great Buddhist mediation teacher how to just let yourself be. There’s a lot of pressure to be a certain way, I know, but that’s all it is. I don’t have much constructive advice because my coping is avoidance and that’s its own poison.
Finally, I just want to share that we’re staying in this lovely family hotel right now but there are injunctions all over the place here, on posters, even inscribed into the wooden bread bowl (“FUN-tastisch!”) to always be celebrating and having constant fun. It’s pissing me off so when I saw your post I thought I’d share that you aren’t the only one who sees it for what it is: unfair social pressure to not be what/who you are at any given time.
I would heart this 10 times if I could. This kind of comment, revealing and insightful as it is, is what I live for here. Thank you, other Jane!
I forgot one other part. Because of my lifelong smiling issues I have tried that smiling exercise and I didn’t notice any improvement in mood, just disappointment in my continued failure to feel good. Even the therapies make you feel bad because a lot of them just reinforce the idea that you are not okay. My take? You are okay. What’s not okay is that you are made to feel not okay . If you can take that in it saves lots of money.
Wonderful and kind advice - I am sure OP will see it and I'm so glad that they will. Xo
What about spending the holidays volunteering? That way, you can know you've done a good thing even if you didn't enjoy yourself while it was happening, and there will be less pressure to act like you're having a great time.