Feminista Is Watching This So You Don't Have To: The Golden Bachelorette

Each week I’ll be bringing you the only TV and film recaps you need to read, so stick with me and we’ll get through the fall season as a family!

You may have seen The Golden Bachelor, so you already know the premise: an older person is looking for love in their ‘golden’ years and has come to the popular Bachelor franchise to help them find the second (or third, fourth) love of their lives. This time around, it’s the bachelorette’s turn to get to know the contestants as they vie for her attention. The contestants participate in challenges to try to appeal to the Bachelorette for the opportunity to stand out and go on private dates—all while navigating conflict and controversy amongst themselves. At the end of each episode, she gives out roses to the men she wants to keep around and learn more about as she narrows down her choices until she makes her final decision.

There are few things I love more than messy romantic drama and, baby, The Golden Bachelorette is dishing up every bit of mess—and it’s only the beginning! In episode one, we meet Joan Vassos, this season’s 61-year-old bachelorette. She shares the story of losing the love of her life, John, to pancreatic cancer. That choked me up a bit because my mom died of it, too, so I know her pain. She tells us that after grieving his loss, she is ready to open up and find her next great love. Forget dating apps! Just apply to go on a reality competition show and let millions of people peer into your private life as you try dating over 60. Yasss queen! Thank you for your service!

Now you may recognize Joan from The Golden Bachelor. She had to leave the show early because her daughter was dealing with postpartum depression and she went to support her. Well, she is back at the mansion now, getting her chance to find her love.

Joan is stunning in a beautiful golden sequined gown when she arrives at the mansion and meets the 24 bachelors. They know she was on the previous show, so they know a bit about her. Some of the bachelors are errr uhhh...interesting. Let’s take Chock, 60, who brought her a jar of chicken noodle soup and had her taste it on the spot; Michael, 65, who nearly forgot his name; Gary, 65, who jumped out of the car and began dancing; Jack, 68, who strolled up while singing Sinatra’s “My Way;” and Bob, 66, who pulled out an old school camcorder to record their meeting. Then there was Charles, the 62-year-old who stepped out of the car with a cane pretending he can barely walk, then drops it and goes down to do push-ups. Skrrt. What was that?And we can’t forget David, 66, who showed up to the mansion riding a horse and guess what? I didn’t hate it. He invited her to meet the horse, but it ran away. Awwwkkkwwwaaarrdddd.

Now I do like Jonathan, 61, an African American shipping consultant from Iowa who arrived in a blindfold and made a speech about how older people are invisible. He’s a single dad with shared custody who said he was blindsided by his wife wanting a divorce. He has a sexy tattoo peeking out of his shirt.  Rawr. I think he’ll be around for a while. Charles L., 66, an Asian widower who lost his wife of over 30 years ago, has been alone for six years. His two children encouraged him to find love and I’m glad because he has such a quiet charm that made me want to learn more about him. Keith, 62, is a white divorcée whose wife battled with addiction which led to their relationship ending. There was something about him that screamed “Fun!” and I felt like I wanted to see more of him. And in an interesting twist, Kelsey, a former Bachelor contestant arrives and introduces Joan to her father Mark, 57. He’s an army veteran and widower from Louisiana and listen, he was looking gooood. He has a nice beard thing going on and his eyes smile before his lips do. I was like, “Well, if she doesn’t want him, I’ll date him!!” I think these men will be around for a while and I’m pulling for Jonathan, Charles L., and Keith as frontrunners.

You can tell who won’t stick around long because the producers don’t give them any time for their background stories, nor do they give them much camera time during the intros. I don’t think we will see many episodes with retired banking CEO “I forgot my name” Michael or Christopher, 64, who brought her a shot of prune juice..? Like, why would you bring someone prune juice to an elegant night out? Where they do that at?? And then there’s Gil, 60, the educator who apparently has a restraining order against him for stalking, among other things. The show’s producers minimized his appearances on the show when they found out about his menacing past. Someone please get me out of this simulation!! What is even happening??

Joan seemed to like the men who expressed understanding about why she left The Golden Bachelor to support her daughter, as well as those who talked about their own children. That’s where I think Consultant Jonathan, Army Vet Mark, Divorcée Keith, and Widower Charles have an advantage. She also seemed to have a thing for Guy, 66, the ER doctor. She was looking at him kinda like she wanted to have him for dinner, so let’s see where that goes. She also liked Kim, 69, a retired Naval captain who arrived in his uniform. She gushed about how he looked in his uniform. She told my guy Jonathan, “I hope we get to spend a lot of time together” so I know I’m onto something there. He’s also really competitive, so he’s gunning for that rose

There were some really corny and awkward moments that emphasize how this show is a mess we just can’t—and won’t—turn away from! Why were Joan and Charles racing with electronic wheelchairs? Why were Joan and Gary pretending to have a phone conversation while sitting next to each other? Why was there a random pickleball set on set and why was she playing it with several of the men at once?? It was giving group situation and, again, rawr. Keep in mind, she’s still in this elegant dress!! The competition kicked off then and there. 

What did y’all think of the men she felt made the best first impression?

The very first rose is the “First Impression Rose,” and it’s given to the men who make the best first impressions. She chose seventeen men: Dan a private investor from Florida; my guy Jonathan; Mark; her guy Guy; Push-up Charles K.; Gil the stalker; singing Gary; Pascal the Frenchman; Chock the soup bachelor; Captain Kim; “Keep you regular” Christopher; Greg, a retired university VP from Florida; my guy Widower Charles L.; Jordan, a 61 year-old sales executive from Florida; Bob, a 66-year-old chiropractor from California; what’s-my-name Michael; and Chef Jack, whose dinner seemed to really impress her. 

These men are precious. I think we are in for a wild ride this season and I can’t wait. Let’s watch together! Let me know what you think and who you think is going to go far.