I Catfished My Straight Friends for Fun
You should try it, too. Ms. Holland Tunnel has just the tips.
I’m not saying my time in Indiana was totally boring, but sometimes it felt like the only culture there was agriculture. So when two straight boys burst into my dorm room with excitement in their eyes, I figured maybe something interesting was going to happen. “Did you know there are women on the internet looking for sex?” they asked.
Yes, I did know that. But I followed the boys back to their room anyway.
Pro tip: Avoid Indiana. If its cities, towns, culture, people, and odor (I’m looking at you, Gary) were an album, it’d be by John Mellencamp, and it’d be all skips. I don’t believe anyone there would even dispute this. After all, its state motto is “Crossroads of America” which is giving “Just passing through.” That said, people do give Indiana a bad rap and say all there is is corn. It’s just not true. They also grow soy.
“You gotta see this.” The boys proudly showed me their computer. I was a bit relieved to see that they had, in fact, found the sorts of online boards where real humans were looking for sex, and not some “Hot singles in your area looking to fuck right now” porn popup. They excitedly clicked on personal ad after personal ad, discovering fleshy, horny ladies, who seemed only an email away.
“So what do we do now?” they asked.
“Find someone you are interested in connecting with and say hello,” I explained, like they were 5.
They’d come to me because I was the resident sexually active queer, knowledgeable in the ways of the world. Some people may have called me a slut, but I preferred to think of myself as “sexually cultured.” Being a generous teacher, I decided it was time to educate the children. These boys simply needed the right opening. They were begging to be catfished.
As they continued to read and drool, I got out my phone and logged into my account on the board. I already had one because that particular message board also had queer personal ads. Because I am — what? — cultured.
Pro tip: Always have a separate "ho email" to use for these types of activities that has no connection to your actual name or social media accounts. If you don’t, your trick may find out all the lies you’ve told about yourself. He won’t care that you’re taking a gap year and over 18. All he’ll see is that the school listed on your Facebook is your high school and he’ll bail on the hookup.