I’m Going Through The Weirdest, Hardest Breakup Of My Entire Life

I’m questioning who I thought I was and my belief in everything.

The mirror edge blurring my face is a metaphor for me feeling fractured and not being able to fully see myself. It's practically poetry. I have no idea what photo to use and I look adorable here so we’re going with it.

There I was, on all fours in my shower. My long black hair was over my face and my head on my knees, looking like the girl from “The Grudge” if she was petrified and doing a weird sharp inhale thing that wasn’t quite crying but wasn’t not crying either. 

I just lost the most beautiful relationship ever. While yes, I felt ignored when I would get angry or there was tension. I felt like they took a sick pleasure in my discomfort because they would say it was for my good and they were making me stronger. Everyone would assure me that I was so loved and they were so good, and that I needed to just stop doubting them and open my eyes.  

But they would help me understand the world, the order of things, the people around me. I was a better person when I was with them… maybe. Or at least more pleasurable to be around. 

I found myself looking into any little sign or action as confirmation of their love, presence, and support. I worked with different coaches, guides, and therapists to try to connect with them. But then I just got… tired. Exhausted. I loved them, but I’m so over chasing them and trying to figure them out. And it hit me that our relationship was done, that it had been done, on a random day while I was washing my hair. Cue the Grudge Girl having a panic attack in the shower. 

I’m talking about God. Yeah, roll your eyes or click out now because I know what I just did to you. But really, if this was about a tangible person, would you have the same reaction? Why are we cool with having this kind of relationship with God but if it was a human, you would be calling the feds or something? Is this a wicked super big deal to anyone else who isn’t traditionally spiritual or religious?

Here’s the thing: whether you believe in God or not, whether you know it or not, our culture was shaped by this figure in almost every way. Good/Bad, Right/Wrong, Punishment/Reward. Treat others the way you wanna be treated. Blessed are the meek. Be honest and things will work out. There’s a reason why shit happens. You’re here for a bigger purpose. It wasn’t until I questioned this that I realized these ideals trickle down to even the tiniest, most mundane interpersonal situations. And it’s not true, like, a lot of the time. 

Literally everyone has been influenced in some way by some concept of God in our culture. No, I never had that Christian Girl Autumn vibe writing in big bubble letters and wearing those flat hats (go off though, for real), but I grew up Armenian Apostolic and Roman Catholic. Just based on the rituals and the cultures alone, you know I was bound to have a dramatic relationship with God. And everything else in life. I was also exposed to new age concepts, spirituality, and different religions growing up with my hippie and curious mom. She would do everything from forbid me from getting piercings due to the effects it would have on my aura to letting me miss my math quiz to get an energy healing from a Peruvian Shaman.

Just like with everything humanity touches, there is beauty and busted things about all of the religious/spiritual paths I’ve traveled, but it’s not like I was totally scarred by any of it and that’s why this is happening.