My (Non-Blatant, No-Nuance) Red and Green Flags

In relationships and in life. Those who get it, get it. Those who don’t — probably added to the red flag list.

Clearly I have great judgment — just look at my outfit choices during brunch! I got you. Take my word for it. 

I have done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but ever since my frontal lobe started developing, I have been keeping a running list of things that help me gauge who is cool and who is someone I’d have to pay an energy healer to help me cut energetic ties from. 

Anyway, this is just the start, and feel free to add to both or push back:

Green Flags

1. Pluralizing the word underwear even if you are just referring to one — “underwears.”
   Amazing. It restores my nervous system in ways I can’t even explain. Please try this right now and tell me you don’t kick your feet a little. 

Same thing works if you’re pluralizing shrimp to “shrimps” — like this heals something so profoundly deep inside of me. I feel liberated. I believe in humanity again. Underwears! Shrimps! 

2. People who have an intense mirror face/position that only comes out when they catch their own gaze.
   Oh!!!! My heart! Seeing a stranger at the sinks in a public bathroom gives themselves the most intense smoky, hazy, sexy, gaze! It’s a Tuesday early afternoon and we’re at Chili’s! I love you!

3. If you are listening to a great song in the car and you pull up to your destination but you wait till the song’s finished to go inside.
   I trust you fully and understand the way you move through the world. Beautiful.
   

   

   I know my shit, even the universe is backing it up. Pay no mind to the weird kettle position or the fact that I’m wearing vintage lingerie as an outfit at like 11 am for some reason. Or the fact that there’s a strategically placed fortune next to this Polaroid pic in the first place, and that was the pose I chose for this pic. Just trust the fortune.

4. Also people who say “gives me pause.”
   I’ll tell you what, you don’t give me pause!!! I adore you!

5. People who lose their cheap sunglasses frequently.
   I guess it’s because I think they know how to live life to the fullest and be present but not anal or something.
   

6. People who call you a nickname very soon after meeting you
   I’m not talking about “babe” or “hun” — I’m talking about people who almost absentmindedly do this because your name is like a near word. Like my bestie in college, Anuja, who called me “fern” or “Ferlane” after hearing my full name for the first time. Eventually that became “Anus Ferlanus,” but I’ll get into that lore a different time.

Red Flags

1. People who say, “dogs and or babies love me.” 
   SHOW! Don’t tell! Why do you feel the need to immediately claim this? One time a man who dated my friend came to my house for dinner and immediately said this. He also didn’t show up empty handed — he brought a bottle of wine, so I let it slide. Flash forward, he left my front door and my gate open, so my dog Anoush got out and then didn’t help me look for her and then when I got back hours later HE WALKED INSIDE WITH US TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER AND TOOK THE BOTTLE OF WINE BACK. Mind you, he had seconds of my delicious pasta before we realized Anoush took off. Immediately bye. Disrespect!! In my house!!

Here’s my super incredible girlfriend, who dogs (especially Anoush) and babies ALWAYS immediately love and she’s never ONCE talked about it ever nor does she try to make that a thing. And that is just one reason why we are together and I’m forever obsessed with her.

2. People who use the word juxtaposition casually.
   I fear this one is just common sense.

3.  People who trash “live laugh love.”
   There’s nothing I wish more than to live, to laugh, and to love. Do I like alliteration? No! Do I like people who are reminding themselves of what life is all about? Yes! These are all great aspirations and I love “basic” anything and I will defend them until I become them one day.
   

4. People who consistently take neutral stances in unimportant debates.
   One time I was in a heated debate with someone over how Romano cheese is actually more delicious than Parmesan and when someone at our table I didn’t really know chimed in and said, “I don’t have an opinion, it’s just cheese.” First of all, how dare you disrespect my ancestors like that. Second, it’s never just cheese, the world is apathetic and boring enough, let people live. It was a boner kill.
   

5. People who sign off their emails with “cheers” when they are from the USA.
   I will not be elaborating on this at this time.

And that’s it for now — but I am more than willing to add your green/ red flags if you share them here and they make sense. What do you think?? What are yours?