The Subtle Joy Of Having A Nemesis
I have constructed a roster of NPCs to turn my dull, everyday existence into a marginally less dull game!
I was still in the middle of getting set up for the day — opening all of my tabs, putting on some Elliott Smith (I wasn’t horribly depressed, just a little sleepy), and lifting up my glass for that first sip of coffee — when I saw my nemesis walking into the library. A very slight, wry smile formed on my lips with the anticipation of my first victory of the day. As I looked into her eyes, I could see the sparkle fade. The life quickly dimmed as she took in what had just occurred.
I was sitting in the highly coveted best desk. It’s the closest to the door without being in the way, it gets the best light, has the most comfortable chair, and has an unobstructed view out the window. Now she is forced to slink past me into one of the boring cubicles… Charlie wins. Flawless Victory.
I don’t know about you, but I have always maintained a rogue’s gallery of nemeses in my life. It is a vital step in my mental health plan. Seriously, petty scorn is the finishing salt on the steak of life. Even the New York Times is endorsing the benefits of having a nemesis, so maybe I’m on to something here.
Before we get too far here, let me give you my very specific definition of “nemesis.” My stable of nemeses is not made up of legitimately evil people, these are not comic book villains. They are people who pop in and out of my life with no real purpose beyond getting under my skin. They are irritants, nothing more. (Elon Musk, for example, could not be my nemesis. He is actively evil and is classified as “An Enemy of The Charlie.”) A nemesis is a much lighter form of adversary.
It is very easy to make the jump from “person I see around” to nemesis. All you need to do is irritate me — often in such a subtle manner that you, the offender, have no clue you’ve done anything — and you’ll become a recurring presence in my life. That’s it.
I conducted a mental census just now, and I currently have four main nemeses:
My Work Nemesis
As mentioned above, my work nemesis is a woman who frequents the cowork space I go to.
Offenses: She likes the same desk I do, takes phone calls in the room reserved for working quietly, and once she failed to hold the elevator when I asked.
How I Win: By claiming the best desk before she does.
Nemesis Rating: 1.5 out of 5. Can be easily defeated as long as I get to the good desk first and remember to bring my headphones.
My Neighborhood Business Nemesis
This woman shops at all the same places I do and is always an enormous thorn in my side.
Offenses: Asks 10,000 questions before ordering the simplest thing on the menu. Refuses to pay attention to her unruly children. Has absolutely zero situational awareness, particularly when it comes to blocking doors.
How I Win: I find a way to swoop past her and cut in line. The folks at my coffee shop allow and even encourage this behavior, as childish as it is. That’s why we tip 25%, friends.
Nemesis Rating: 3 out of 5. Slowing down lines and letting your kids run amok over a store should each be punishable by a weekend locked in a pillory.
The Nemesis Who Shalt Not Be Named
A local barfly who cannot be shooed away gracefully.
Offenses: She is a close talker who will not shut up despite never having anything interesting to say. If you say her name three times she will appear out of thin air. Has never groomed her very stinky dog, which she takes everywhere dogs shouldn’t be. The term “punisher” was invented for her.
How I Win: I run away when I see her. I’m 44 and I have no shame in this, it is simply the only way to avoid getting sucked into a conversation I’d happily self-immolate to get out of.
Nemesis Rating: 4 out of 5. I’m not that fast, so running is often fruitless.
My Gym Nemesis
A septuagenarian who wears loafers while working out.
Offenses: Comes directly up to me when I’m on the recumbent bike and demands to know how much longer I have to go, then sits on a bench staring at me. The only time he’ll break his stare is to point at an invisible watch on his wrist. He has a child’s understanding of time, confusing seconds for minutes. He may have the ability to cast curses, but that has yet to be proven.
How I Win: No matter how long I’ve been on the bike, I always tell him I have 20 minutes left to go. Sometimes I’m half dead by the time I give up the machine, but fuck that guy.
Nemesis Rating: 4.5 out of 5. This man sucks like a leech on a prostitute with a vacuum cleaner in a black hole. He is my Joker.
My nemesis list is always in flux, with people falling off of it as new ones are added. At times, it can be quite large (in the summer of 2023, it had swelled to double digits thanks to the brain-dead ownership of a previous employer), but it has never gotten down to zero. Why not? Because it’s just too much fun.
Having a nemesis allows me to focus my ire on something insignificant and manageable. There isn’t much I can do right now about our government disappearing students who are in the country legally, for a quick example, and that sense of helplessness can send me into a dark spiral. So instead, for a moment, I channel those feelings towards racing up the stairs two at a time to make sure I get to the good desk first. There are zero stakes involved, but when I win, I get a surge of endorphins. While the feeling is fleeting, it’s a nice little treat, and sometimes that’s the best we can hope for in a day.
So here is my homework for you: get yourself a nemesis. Identify the rando in your life who drives you crazy and think of minor, completely inconsequential ways in which you can best them. Do a cute lil’ fist pump when you’re victorious, and allow a quick grimace of frustration when you’ve been vanquished. Keep score in your head. Trust me, it’s fun.
Tell me all about your nemeses in the comments. But be warned, my list always has room for one more…
This really did make me laugh so so hard. It was what I needed today.
I feel this to the pit of my soul! I never thought to describe the rotating cast of thorns-in-my-side this way, and it is so perfect. Thanks for the chuckle!