Unpopular Opinion: Your Dog Is Not Your Baby

Cuddles don’t quite cut it as payback for fleas, fecal matter, gross dog breath, and thousands of dollars in vet bills.

Me, pretending to be a “Pet Person”...

We used to run this recurring column on XoJane called Unpopular Opinion. It was loved and definitely also hated. We are officially reviving it here today (this first one was submitted by a writer you may recall for going to the ER after biting just the head off of a weed gummy bear). I'm pleased to say that after our little talk in comments the other week about fewer males writing about personal experiences and fewer women expressing critical opinions, that in two short days – yesterday and today – we are running one of each! Thanks to you all and how responsive you were to the call for submissions. Man, you're fast.

Let me know your opinions of this column, the concept in general, me, Charlie (just kidding - Charlie may not be down with hearing them), my brother's column, and any other critiques of AJPT compared to past projects. (I can take it, having heard my whole career that my current project is not up to the level of my past projects, so lots of "this is okay, but it's not Sassy" or "this issue is good, but early Jane was much better", etc. – and I have always agreed with and appreciated all of that feedback.) So let me know in the comments what you think of this column and everything we're doing here at AJPT. Talking to you about it is truly my favorite part.

Love and thanks,
Jane

By Genevieve Sage

I’m not a pet person. And to double down — I'm really not a dog person. There it is. My deepest, darkest secret, locked away like a shameful, dog-hair-free skeleton in my closet. Because let’s be real — 99.999999% of the population thinks not loving dogs is basically the same as being a supervillain. I might as well twirl a mustache and tie a puppy to some train tracks. It’s unfair, it’s extreme, but I swear I’m still a good person. I hold doors open for strangers and everything!

I guess I just don’t get it. Dogs are seemingly everywhere these days — coffee shops, grocery stores, even boutique clothing stores that definitely shouldn’t allow living beings who lick their own assholes. Apparently, health codes no longer apply (service dogs notwithstanding) and I know you secretly call your dog a “service dog” when it doesn’t even have a real certificate – I’m onto you! But seriously, c’mon! It’s 8 a.m., and I’m just trying to mainline enough caffeine to function, not navigate a maze of leashes and barking while hyper dogs hump each other in the checkout line.

Don’t even get me started on the lifestyle impact. Recently, two social outings were canceled because of dog-related “emergencies.” One was due to a gag-inducing illness called “PARVO” (I think it has something to do with worms or some unspeakable horror) [Canine parvovirus isn’t worms. Yay! It’s basically doggie SARS. Boo! - Charlie], so guess what? Adult dinner plans — canceled. Because of a dog.